i wish i had known that the GOP was considering anyone with a pulse for the VP pick or i would have thrown my name in the hat for consideration. i think i would be a fantastic candidate and here is my plan to become the ideal candidate for executive office:
1) i am like you only a little different. you feel like you could have a beer with me and that my lack of surface intelligence makes me easy to relate to. see, i ended the sentence with a preposition. what's a preposition? who knows. something fancy elitists like obama created just to sound smart. they're not real.
2) i use little words. you won't get confused. you don't have to worry that i am smarter than you. i am not. you know it. that makes you feel good. hell, everyone wants to feel smarter than the president and EVERYONE is. i assure you that when i am president you will remain smarter than the president.
3) i have never had an abortion. what? it's true. i haven't. everyone else is cashing in on their lack of them and i want to as well. that is a HUGE plus these days. it is uncommon you know. the parents of everyone you have ever met are truly heroic.
4) i have a family that isn't perfect! far from it! no, you can feel good about rallying behind my socially and morally unequipped family that will be front and center when i run for office. hell, your family is screwed up - my family is screwed up - that makes me a helluva choice! obama wants to say that families are off limits. i want to say - bring it on! you can have fun defending my family that isn't actually being attacked by much of anyone!
5) mayor of a town of nearly 9,000 people, i have not been. sorry. however, there are a lot of principals in this country managing student populations larger than that and i have been to the principal's office. many times. i have also seen countless episodes of northern exposure and also feel that alaska should have independence from the united states. what does it do up there? nothing. set it free. if it comes back to you, it is yours for oil.
6) some might find this questionable but i know a kid from another country who is willing to hold me hostage for a few years. i plan to first injure his loved-ones over something that history will show to be futile, foolish and brutal to innocent women and children. after this time, i will clearly be ready for the presidency and will love my country more than anyone else. that said, i may reduce help for other people who get locked up by foreign kids when they get out but this will prove i am tough. arrrrr. see. arrrrrr. tough.
7) poor people? i hate 'em. you can count on me. just because you have a job you work hard at does not mean you have an excuse to be poor. just be rich. then you can have tax-breaks. not my fault you're poor. you are lazy. maybe your parents were lazy. not my fault. just don't be poor. it's that simple. until then you can count on me to make sure rich folks have more money that they will hopefully spend at the stores they own so that they can continue to employ you there making minimum wage you ungrateful poory-poor-poor-heads.
8) finally, i will just adopt some token word to describe me. maverick. that is pretty good. goose! even better. everyone loved goose and it is such a good rhyming word. goose on the loose in the year two-thousand double deuce! yes, there will be an unplanned election that year and i will be on the ticket because, i too, look this good in an american bikini. real or not, it is a beautiful image. nice to finally have a beauty queen involved in things.
god bless america and hail mary running-mates!
